In 2004 I helped open a private practice PT clinic. Through the first three years of this practice, as a business owner, business partner, boss, and practitioner, I learned what it meant to be a subject of the King. I entered a crucible of personal suffering, purposed to require the surrender of my will. Surrender so deep, so complete, and so incomprehensible to me – only to be experientially understood. He moved beyond mere possessions to my actions, hopes, motives, thoughts, dreams and beliefs. It was in this season that I learned to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Jesus, day by day. I learned to bow my knee to the King of Kings, as self-effort’s futility lay exposed upon my heart. This fire purged the dross of performance, control, approval and man-pleasing. This process of submitting to Him as King required me to face various issues in my heart and daily life. He kindly confronted me, little bit by little bit, in my areas of rebellion, showing me through His Word that His rule as King is always for my benefit. This helped me in the submitting process, and I grew in my understanding that what He says, He means. I also learned, in big ways and small, that His Kingship is a magnificent demonstration of the power and kindness of His character, which operates in a love so intense that it can be overwhelming.
It was during this time that He gave me the verse in Mark 8:34: “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.”
Then, in October of 2006 I watched the “The Guardian,” (starring Kevin Costner) and encountered a life changing command, followed by a threefold request from our Heavenly Father. (See Chapter One of my book, “One Life.”) Would I lay down my life?
He asked my permission. I said yes. What followed was a three and a half year period of intense physical suffering that offered me the opportunity to know Him more intimately than ever before.
Have you ever thought about or wondered how you “deny yourself?”
In September 2013, He revisited with me Mark 8:34 – a scripture that I had previously and intensely lived in learning that He is King (“deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow Me.”). As I pondered this question of how to deny oneself – in a healthy way – He expanded upon the instruction to “deny” through the amplified translation of this verse and specifically revealed to me how I was to deny myself.
…If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and take up his cross, and [joining Me as a disciple and siding with My party] follow with Me [continually, cleaving steadfastly to Me]. Mark 8:34 (Amplified)
He answered the how of “follow Me” when He rearranged and defined the parenthetical words for denying self:
1) disown myself – I have no rights, no autonomy, no ownership of my life, even my thought life. It is no longer my own. To disown myself occurs moment by moment, in every encounter, in every circumstance. It is a daily way of life.
2) Ignore – to ignore self is to choose another, instead of my own desires, priorities, goals, large or small, life long or daily. The practice of choosing Him divests me of ownership.
3) Over days, weeks, months, years of intentionally choosing to live this way results in my loosing sight of my own interests and myself. My personal priorities fade out of relevance in the daily decision making process. What I want no longer competes with His leading.
4) The end result is to forget myself. I am not there yet but have tasted moments of this desired reality. Each time, my heart has been intimately and tenderly cared for.
Making this (ongoing) choice results in death to self as a lifestyle (Mark 8:34), and allows His life to be lived in and through me, as He wills.
With all of my heart I am coming after Him, equipped with the experiential understanding and practice of denying myself. . ..
And I will follow Him, forever.
